Making Scents Of It All

Sitting on the couch. A swollen face. A bag of peas that I would never eat but acting as my frozen saviour. Counting down until my next medication time. High Fidelty. Baby food. Water. Feeling sorry for myself. But enjoying the forced relax time.

I walked into a shop the other day in Bridge Road. I was swept away by the smell. It was the air freshener. A vanilla one, nothing spectacular. Yet exactly the same as Bonanza Jellybean, the clothing store I worked at 18 years of age.

That smell bought back a rush of thoughts and emotions. I was working for the local LOCAL magazine, had just finished school, had a completely different group of friends, was in a long unusual relationship, my sister was away, I was yet to go overseas, I didn't know where I wanted to end up and I hadn't figured out or become comfortable with the sort of person I was yet. I spent hours with that smell every time I worked, listening to the same cds that were there and ones I had mixed with Kings of Leon, She will Have her way a female compilation of Crowded House Covers, Hot Chip's first album and a Chill out album. I got my coffee from Illy next door, I was next to a lingere store, I parked at Deakin and always stopped at Back to Basics to pick up candles, bracelets and lovely bits. I was visited by my boyf and friends, by Chloe in the early days, by 100% fresh and by Ez who I now live with. I was so different. It was so refreshing to have that smell & move on. It was a moment where I was so proud of myself and how many things have changed and where I'm not at. I'm still at the beginning of my career but so much further than then. I've travelled with plenty more to do, I'm no longer fussed  on a group I have many very special individuals in my life, my family is back together and closer than ever and I'm with an equal who I adore and I live in a city full of secrets and surprises.

A scent or smell can bring back such powerful memories. The comforting smell of my home, my dad's aftershave, my teddy, spice cottage, my friends' perfumes, sam's smell, walking past a man yesterday wearing aqua di gio and thinking of my friend i've grown apart from, it's wonderful. When I get old and my sight goes dodgy, my tastebuds become not so wonderful or my hearing goes a bit so I couldn't hear gigs and my favourite songs as well, I just hope hope hope I can smell, enjoy and make scents of it all. Mind the pun.

Back to icing my face now.

T x

Only if.

On one of our shows the other day we talked to Performance Psychologist Phil Jauncy. While he was talkign about the mind games of elite athletes, I took so much from his chat. He had the kind of attitude I really find refreshing.

The best part of the conversation was his take on the differences between dreamers and succeeders. It's very easy for dreamers to say "If only." If only I can find out what it is I want to do, If only I can save the money and move out of town or out of home, if only I can find the time. Successful people and people who actively seek happiness and success do so because they've already said ONLY IF. Only If I seek things that make me happy and fulfilled and do them, only if I make changes in my life to shake it up will I see results, only if I take a chance even if you could crash and burn will you see the benefits.

I know many many if onlys. Dreamers who just talk and talk and write and write about wanting to do stuff. It'll be incredible when they realise they just need to stop talking, writing and dreaming and just actively change their lifestyles, break away from the group, break away from the mould. I'm yet to meet half as many only ifs, but I can't wait to and find their advice and hear their stories.

Here's some more golden bits from Phil Jauncy's website:

"The Power of Positive Doing"

He doesn't believe in words like motivation, positive thinking and a good attitude.

"We cannot control our thoughts and feelings but we can control our actions. If we are feeling angry we start to act positively and eventually we find that the positive actions lead to positive feelings and thinking."

"Keep in mind that we cannot change the past or the present, but we can take control of the future."

The Six Steps of his for success and for successful change.

• What am I doing now?
• Is it working?
• If not, Change!
• Be specific (positively).
• Make a plan.
• Act on it.

I like this man. I like his plan. I feel positive even reading it, but I acted by reading it therefore my actions have influenced my positive feelings... just like it reads. Crazy.

Meeting Paul Kelly on Friday one of my absolute idols. His songs have meant more to me in the last seven months than I can explain. Tales of loneliness, of moving to the city, about Melbourne, about friends and losses of relationships, of attachments to new ones. They've filled me with so much comfort and company and a feeling that someone's felt this way before so it's all just going to be okay.

Out on that note for now and with thoughts of the lad many millions of miles away who I'm thinking of.


Tall trees are trembling
Dark clouds are bearing down
God's tiny creatures are all
Going crazy on the ground
My way is, my way is to you
Your gates were guarded
I had to swing around
Althe dogs are silent now
I can hear the softest sounds
My way is, my way is to you
Many times I've stumbled
Many times I've fallen down
But always I had
The dream of your dear ground
My way is, my way is to you

You've been on my mind

New place, old favourite music, new people, old comforts on a friday night. My love's away, my family aren't near and my old friends seem to have forgotten . It's difficult to convince myself I'm independent and not lonely. Perhaps a little of column a&b. This is a grand time to write lists of things I want to do, what I want to achieve and try and make a game plan for how I can get to it. I'm young and I'm sure people will catch up to the point in their own lives but I suppose I will wait and see if they get there before it's too late for those bonds I used to have with them to be salvaged.

As Oscar says "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." He also says quoting other is living through others, but I'm tired and he so eloquently says what I'd like to so often so I shall let him go at it.

I'm looking forward to the day in the near future where I have a proper social circle in this new city. I could go downstairs to this wonderful booming street and experience it with people, not just my own wide eyes. That'll happen.

Watching Paris Je'taim, some parts are so delightful and heartbreaking and some I want to skip a little bit, but it's just an experience of a show. To watch and choose and judge and sit back and enjoy. It sparks that little flame of wanting to get out and about in the world again. Next year's trip is on my agenda and I can't wait to get more ideas and get going.

T x

 

The Ecxeptional Mr Fry.

Seeing Stephen Fry Talk a few months ago was such a wonderful experience for me. He is someone who is completely odd. Different from all his friends, an individual and just went about his journey without looking back.


On his views on religion/atheism "I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance."


On writing: "It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue."


And how I currently am:  " Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave." 


This week in the media has been exciting. Challenging. A story we can't follow through on because it's too awful, but one that is huge. Ethics. All those things I studied for three years and knew when the time came I'd still be as grey as I was then. Journalism isn't easy, finding out what's in the public interest and what people just don't need to know. Or do they? That's the big issue.

This week is in my new house, sam's gone overseas, ez is out and I'm home alone. It's so nice though being alone with my thoughts, realising who hasn't made much effort to contact me lately and surprisingly who has so it's nice to have this time to just think and deconstruct the events of the past few months. Our new house is brilliant. My THREE wisdom teeth coming through are NOT. Such a challenge. Starting a whole new life and I suppose some people just won't be a part of it. I'm just so proud that I've changed my life, changed my social scene and branched out. I've grown! It's brilliant!

And yet when sick I still go home, with Whitey, hang with the Armstrongs and enjoy mum's homemade soup.

Until next time,

T 

Put your finger on it.

It's difficult to really put my finger on why I feel so completely different this year to ever before. At the start of this year I was living in a place I had outgrown trying so desperately to have fun but not ever wanting to leave the house because I wanted sweet, fun memories to be my last. I didn't want to look back and be thankful to have left, I wanted to leave on a high. I now love going home to see and play and hang out with my family. However the local pub makes me feel extradordinarily claustrophobic and anxious and I can't help it. I need a longer seperation period. I need people that I love to come to the city with me and experience some of what the world has got to offer and I can't help but selfishly want that to be what they all want to. It isn't. Yet anyway.

This week I move into a new place and start a new chapter of this new novel life I've already begun. It's so exciting and I've never felt more completely at ease, less anxious and more accepted and appreciated since I've moved away. It took a while to get used to people just moving on and not really missing you, but it's all pretty natural I imagine. You start to realise you aren't contracted to other people. You don't need to be a part of THE group, you're much better off not being a part of it as you'll never figure out who you are from the inside.

I've got so many projects in the works. A book to write, a future show to create, concerts to think about and logistics to plan, three news and variety shows to produce on a daily basis, gigs to review, gigs to choose to attend, presents and letters to be writing and a few other works in the pipeline. I'm only 22, I'm noticing that's quite young and I intend to make the most of this year being so young and already connecting to incredible people who I can learn from and just sit back in awe of. It's all good.

In the meantime I'll continue loving Arcade Fire's Suburbs. Their first Funeral I listened to as I finished up school, started uni and became sure of what I was about and what I no longer needed in my life in order to grow up. Neon Bible came in the year that said growing up took place. I was on my own and making plans, I travelled, I met new people, I socialised and I realised radio was where I wanted to be at and took a chance. Suburbs now comes at another growth spurt, totally on my own, out of the suburbs and out of my claustrophobia and into the city meeting like minded people and experiencing completely new and wonderful things every single day. I like you Arcade Fire, just putting it out there.

Suburban War

Let's go for a drive
See the town tonight
There's nothing to do but I'll unwind when I'm with you

This town's so strange
They built it to change
And while we're sleeping all the streets, they rearrange

And my old friends, we were so different then
Before your war against the suburbs began
Before it began

All my old friends, they don't know me now
All my old friends, are staring through me now

T

Film noir, Australian Politics, Reviews

Covering this year's Australian Federal Election as my first working in the media has been incredible. All of these extremely experienced journalists I'm working with tell me that it's the most bizarre campaign they've ever seen and the most apathetic public they've been in contact with.
Drive host went out on the streets for many a vox pop and was so shocked by the amount of people who A) knew NOTHING of the policies, the big issues facing our country or B) didn't care.

I laughed a little and realised that in my peer group, i'm honestly surprised and delighted if I hear ANYONE who is in any way interested in our political system. It frustrates and infuriates me that we are so lucky in this country to have the ability to choose our government and to decide who should be in charge of our country and who should go international and represent us as people. It's a complete embarrassment when some of the cleverest people I know go into a polling booth on election day and either throw away a vote or draw a picture of a donkey.....

End political rant.

For my birthday last Sunday 29th August I visited undergroundcinema.
http://undergroundcinema.com.au/

A few weeks ago we knew it was 1940s film noir themed. The war was over- hurrah! No more knowledge. A few days before we knew it was located in Bourke Street, City. No more info. We arrived in our 1940s bestAnd were greeted by an array of actors and showmen and women all playing their parts. American soldiers, Russian women on the poverty line, tramps, ladies of the night, marines and jazzpeeps. It was incredible. Once our papers were stamped and we were allowed through in no more than 10 minutes did it become difficult to tell who was a guest and who was an actor. Such great atmosphere, exploring and meeting and greeting the soldiers in their characters (very handsome and as my 91 year old nana told me today the American soldiers were VERY well groomed, she should know she dated one for the entire war period!)

Film was A Good German w/ Cate Blanchett, George Clooney, Toby Maguire and more. A film noir take on life in Berlin post WWII. Cate Blanchett was incredible and it was wonderous to sit, sipping champagne, costumed and watch a film I might never have had the opportunity to see if I wasn't completely absorbed in the underground cinema experience.

Next theme- halloween. I'm there!

I've done two reviews this month of gigs I've been at. Puda Madre Brothers at the EBC and Big Scary at the Toff check them out at pbsfm.org.au

Big scary

Puta Madre Brothers


Until next time,

Tess

The Suburbs

When your favourite band puts out a new album. It's only
natural to be excitable. However Arcade Fire's The Suburbs
vocalises so many things I've been quietly experiencing
since moving FROM the suburbs I grew up in and changing
my life, I've listened so much in the last week and feel
all those things that wonderful music makes you feel.
It makes you feel like you're not alone, that if you were
as eloquent with words that maybe you'd write a song just
like it, that people have felt these new and terrifying
things before you and that you can find comfort in the
words of these people.

Thanks Arcade Fire for once again making me
feel all of these things.

I used to write,
I used to write letters I used to sign my name
I used to sleep at night
Before the flashing lights settled deep in my brain

But by the time we met
By the time we met the times had already changed

So I never wrote a letter
I never took my true heart I never wrote it down
So when the lights cut out
I was left standing in the wilderness downtown

Now our lives are changing fast
Now our lives are changing fast
Hope that something pure can last
Hope that something pure can last

It seems strange anekatips
How we used to wait for letters to arrive
But what's stranger still
Is how something so small can keep you alive

We used to wait
We used to waste hours just walking around
We used to wait
All those wasted lives in the wilderness downtown


(oooo we used to wait)
Sometimes it never came
(oooo we used to wait)
Still moving through the pain


I'm gonna write a letter to my true love
I'm gonna sign my name
Like a patient on a table
I wanna walk again gonna move through the pain

Now our lives are changing fast
Hope that something pure can last

oooo we used to wait

Sometimes it never came

Sometimes it never came

Still moving through the pain


We used to wait for it
Now we're screaming sing the chorus again

Wait for it 

I do a very fine impression of myself

And then the weatherman said to go back to bed,
because it's shame to go outside when the wind keeps howling now.
So for a little while there I lived inside a cave,
and there were bears and bugs and leaves and love
and a dark that only left you when the night came crawling home.
And I was happy there for a while until I woke one day to find the roof had blown away
and the wind blew through me,
and then the very next day it began to rain
and it rained right through me.
And then the lightning struck right beside my head
and a branch fell down and came to rest upon my broken legs,
and to my surprise that bough began to grow.
And then the weatherman said to look at the sunset
and if the sky was red the very next day it would be dry instead,
and I was happy in the sun like a lazy one,
like a lazy one.

And then that broken bough it began to grow,
and it grew right through me.
And then the very next day,
well the grass did blade and it cut right through me.
And then a rabbit dug a tunnel right between my ribs, and she lived right through me.
And then a bird came and pecked at the space in my chest and then he flew right through me.

Now there's a hole in the ground where I used to lay down and I can't fill it in.
And there's a colouring pad in the back of my head and I want to fill you in.
And I was nothing more than an impression of myself and I want to fill you in.
Yeah you could lay your' body in the hollow where I used to be and you could fill me in.

And then that broken bough it began to grow, and it grew right through me.
And then the very next day I believed in something new well, what can I say?
And then a bird came and pecked at the space in my chest and then he flew right through me.
And then a rabbit dug a tunnel right between my ribs and she lived right through me.

I'm a man, I'm a man like I used to be,
I want to fill you in,
cos there's hole in my chest where the animals lived and I want to fill you in.
And I do a very fine impression of myself
and I want to fill you in cos there's a colouring pad in the back of my head and I want to fill you in.

Hell yeah

This video kicks some butt.

the penguin book of the city.

I have spent a lot of time recently in limbo, either when I'm travelling or walking or going from necessary place to place and I've been listening to a lot of Paul Kelly and reading The Penguin Book of the City. A collection of stories from around the world from the world's best authors writing of their thoughts/experiences/emotions in the city.

It's a pretty relevant book to me at the moment. I absolutely love that I'm living in the city. I feel revitalised and new and fresh and immature and inexperienced and that there's a completely new world open to me now that months ago just didn't exist due to locality.

It's nice to read some of the stories of people leaving their small towns to live in the city and feeling completely isolated but exhilirated by what the move has brought to their lives. I just realised last night that the times at the moments that I'm the happiest are the times that I'm alone by CHOICE; on the train travelling to do something fun, walking or exercising, working in ballarat or every night in Melbourne or travelling to see my family. It's just odd that most of the time now that I'm alone is not by choice it's because plans are cancelled because I live too far away now for people to come it's very disheartening. I often am confused but feel as though the only time people want to see me is if i'm THERE for them to see easily without any effort and I don't want that to become my lifestyle when I live in a city with much to do and experience and see and I want the people I love to be there with me when I do. It's nice to have a few people who really want to be there with me and take in the city's secrets. I suppose this is growing up and moving on and what goes with it so I will just have to accept it all and embrace it for the way it is maturing me and conditioning me and making me concentrate on my career and Where To From Here?

My mum found a diary that she kept whilst in hospital with me and I read it the other night. She also gave it to me to keep to give to my future children and I was really touched and saddened by it all. It's scary how I think of my life and it was nothing then only just referred to as 'the baby'. Mum's father was dying while she was having me and due to pregnancy issues she was unable to attend his funeral. She's often told me I was the only sunshiney/happy thing about her life at that point and perhaps that's why we've always had that very tight bond. It was beautiful and heartwrenching to read the words written by my young, scared and emotionally developing mother but has enhanced by respect (though it was already through the roof) for how she has dealt with life's challenges and feelings of isolation and lonliness. So I suppose for this time in my life I can take from her and feel just about okay.

Work's great though, it's scary and poses many issues and dramas but it's overwhelming to be involved actively in the media every day and I am loving every second. Its interesting to hear so many stories and so much advice from people so much older than I am as I am the youngest person around. One point of advice from a man over 40 was to not let this job consume my life as he woke up one day and was 40, single with an awesome track record but no one to share it with. I have a tendancy to go really hard at things and want them so badly and lose track of what is actually going to be important and I guess it's all about finding a balance and that may be a struggle but will be completely worth it.

Blogging is my friend again. And for that I give it new Arcade Fire. Until next time,
T


Check out Arcade Fire's newest single from their upcoming LP here:

http://www.arcadefire.com/lyrics/


In the suburbs I, I learned to drive
And you told me we’d never survive
Grab your mother’s keys we’re leaving

You always seemed so sure
That one day we’d be fighting
In a suburban war
Your part of town against mine
I saw you standing on the opposite shore
But by the time the first bombs fell
We were already bored
We were already, already bored

Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m moving past the feeling
Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m moving past the feeling again

The kids want to be so hard
But in my dreams we’re still screaming
And running through the yard
When all of the walls that they built in the 70’s finally fall,
And all of the houses they built in the 70’s finally fall–
Meant nothing at all?
Meant nothing at all,
It meant nothing

Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m moving past the feeling
Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m moving past the feeling
And into the night

So can you understand
Why I want a daughter while I’m still young?
I want to hold her hand,
And show her some beauty,
Before all this damage is done
But if it’s too much to ask
If it’s too much to ask
Then send me a son

Under the overpass
In the parking lot we’re still waiting
It’s already past
So move your feet from hot pavement
And into the grass
‘Cause it’s already past
It’s already, already past

Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m moving past the feeling
Sometimes I can’t believe it
I’m moving past the feeling again
I’m moving past the feeling
I’m moving past the feeling

In my dreams we’re still screaming
We’re still screaming
We’re still screaming

Wow.

The past few months have been one of those periods of your life that are a complete blur. A rush that you're only probably capable of getting through without a nervous breakdown on sheer adrenaline and the hope that it's all for a good cause and I think... I just think at this point, that it is for a good cause.

I have had interesting observations, it is really like I'm an outsider looking in at a town that I'm on the inside of. My frustrations lie in apathy. If something exciting is not handed to people on a platter or at the one pub deemed cool enough at the time to go to, then artistic and cultural gems will be completely disregarded. All cliques and groups have become one, which in one way is a fantastic way of becoming closer friends with people I know must be in some way similar to me, but in another way means that thelimited one on one social times are almost extinct.

I currently write/produce/present a show for one station as well as being actively involved in the behind the scenes station life, I write gig reviews and am working on a show for a Melbourne station, I am coordinating a large charity event, I am trying to organise moving to a different city and out of home for the first time, I am doing reviews/interviews/promotions for a music festival, I am trying to deal with large issues facing people I love and care for as well as trying to earn some money and go through with job interviews in a new city. I want a break, I want to hang out and enjoy for once doing what everyone else is doing, however linking back to the beginning I need to realise this is all worth it, otherwise it'll be anxiety o'clock on the rocket clock.

Something, seemingly the reason behind all this business, that always keeps me happy though is music. On Sunday the 28th of Feb at Footscray Arts Centre I was lucky enough to be at African Affair which celebrated African music, food and culture. Such a cool day and I came across these guys- King Marong. SO COOL. I will also be lucky enough to see them at Apollo Bay Music Festival and cannot wait.



Enjoy and now that I'm back on the blogosphere, I'll be in touch again soon.

I've also been listening to a lot of Boy & Bear, they're really quite beautiful

You've been weathering the storm
And it's been blowing hard
Cause it won't wait for you
Because it waits for no one